“Do You Want to be Right or Do You Want to be Married?”

“Sometimes it is hard to see ourselves as we really are.” This week in my class the following question was posted, “If you were to ask your spouse or someone close to you how you do with accepting influence, how do you think they would respond?”  In Dr. John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the fourth principle is “Let Your Partner Influence You” (p. 115).  Dr. Gottman shares many examples and statistics that support the importance of couples honoring and respecting each other as they search for common ground.  He reminds us that “accepting influence” is not only an attitude, it is also a skill that can be learned, and he includes exercises and games to do together in order to improve that skill.  He also states that, “A marriage can’t work unless both partners honor and respect each other… often in life you need to yield in order to win” (pp. 119, 125). At the end of the chapter Gottman suggests, “If you’re having difficulty accepting influence, you will benefit your marriage enormously by acknowledging this tendency and talking about it with or spouse” (p. 136).

In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. Wallace Goddard states that “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.  God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.  It is not surprising that we have difficulties in marriage.  We so often do the very things that will destroy our relationships.  In great literature—including scripture—the highest and noblest service entailed sacrifice and selflessness.  In contrast, evil was always self-centered and self-serving.”

In his hallmark April 1989 General Conference address, Beware of Pride, President Benson teaches us the destructive nature of pride as the “universal sin” and “great vice” that has caused the fall of civilizations, nations, and our most precious relationships.  “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.  Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters.  Christ wants to lift us to where He is.  Do we desire to do the same for others?”  Have you ever felt hostility towards your spouse, or in a state of opposition with your spouse or even hatred towards your spouse?  President Benson taught that “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.  Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to or a state of opposition’…. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are.”

Irene Eubanks shared the following story in her January 2008 Ensign article “Putting My Marriage Before My Pride.” “Like any couple, my husband and I have had disagreements during our marriage. But one incident stands out in my mind. I no longer recall the reason for our disagreement, but we ended up not speaking at all, and I remember feeling that it was all my husband’s fault. I felt I had done absolutely nothing for which I needed to apologize. As the day went by, I waited for my husband to say he was sorry. Surely, he could see how wrong he was. It must be obvious how much he had hurt my feelings. I felt I had to stand up for myself; it was the principle that mattered. As the day was drawing to a close, I started to realize that I was waiting in vain, so I went to the Lord in prayer. I prayed that my husband would realize what he had done and how it was hurting our marriage. I prayed that he would be inspired to apologize so we could end our disagreement. As I was praying, I felt a strong impression that I should go to my husband and apologize. I was a bit shocked by this impression and immediately pointed out in my prayer that I had done nothing wrong and therefore should not have to say I was sorry. A thought came strongly to my mind: ‘Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?’ As I considered this question, I realized that I could hold onto my pride and not give in until he apologized, but how long would that take? Days? I was miserable while we weren’t speaking to each other. I understood that while this incident itself wouldn’t be the end of our marriage, if I were always unyielding, that might cause serious damage over the years. I decided it was more important to have a happy, loving marriage than to keep my pride intact over something that would later seem trivial. I went to my husband and apologized for upsetting him. He also apologized, and soon we were happy and united again in love. Since that time there have been occasions when I have needed to ask myself that question again: ‘Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?’ How grateful I am for the great lesson I learned the first time I faced that question. It has always helped me realign my perspective and put my husband and my marriage before my own pride.”